Mary Bronstein’s If I Had Legs I’d Kick You tells us that there is nothing more nightmarish than motherhood. In it, Linda, played spectacularly by Rose Byrne, seems to always be dancing on the edge of a breakdown. She’s a psychologist, but appears unable to take her own advice, or the advice of her own therapist (Conan O’Brien in his feature acting debut).

Linda’s personal life leaves much to be desired. Her husband (played unseen for most of the film) is a cruise captain off for work, leaving her the immense task of being the sole caretaker for their daughter (Delaney Quinn), who is on a feeding tube. We can feel Linda’s stress tighten and fray in almost real time as the weight begins to overtake her. And when she and her daughter arrive home to find the bathroom flooded because of a burst pipe, things go from worse to awful when the pipe bursts, tearing open a sizable hole in the ceiling.

After they move into a hotel, things only get worse. Her parenting skills are called into question by her daughter’s doctor, and after a session with a particularly troubled client, she’s left to deal with a squalling baby. To make matters worse, the contractor working on the hole in the apartment has a family emergency and must leave for a week. With how Linda has been acting toward him, we’re left to wonder if it was a real emergency at all.

A Tightening Noose Of Unease

At the hotel, Linda meets James ( A$AP Rocky, in an incredibly charming performance). The pair strikes up a not-quite friendship, because Linda is too high-strung for that. Rather, James attempts to be friendly, and Linda sometimes is. But her behavior is so erratic that you’re left tense with each scene, wondering what exactly she’s going to do next.

Bronstein is a master at building up that tension and unease. Not a moment of this film gives you the chance to let your guard down. With every decision, you wonder if it will be the worst possible outcome. Linda is completely isolated, cocooned in the horror of having to care for an ill child on her own while barely being able to care for herself. It is a reality of motherhood that many don’t talk about, but that Bronstein and Byrne dig deeply into.

The hole in the ceiling is another character in itself. When Linda goes back to revisit it (and get some time away from the continuous drone of her daughter’s IV machine) it suddenly looks less like a hole from a burst pipe and more like a passageway into another realm. This touch of unreality only adds to the uncanniness of the whole situation, doing wonders to trip up the viewer’s perception and wonder what is real and what is not.

If I Had Legs I’d Kick You is not a film for everybody. You’ve scarcely got time to breathe in between acts, but it makes for a thrilling adventure for those who love that sort of high-octane energy. Byrne is a force in her own, sucking you into Linda’s mire with ease. It’s exhausting, but in a good way. And definitely a film that sticks with you.

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